New Jersey Devils Targeted By New Satanic Panic

Some believe "The Devils" might not be just a quirky name.

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    The New Jersey Devils have somehow been managing and, at current, are in a spot for the Stanley Cup playoffs. This is surprising to just about anyone who's watched them play. Losing 8 games out of the this month's 13, their chances are slipping right through their fingers. Club captain Nico Hischier's absence only adds insult to injury. Fans and haters alike are starting to wonder-- how did they even have a chance in the first place? The answer may lie in the realm of the supernatural, so saith the Christian community of suburban New Jersey.

    "I don't know about you, but I feel an evil presence in that building," an anonymous resident stated about the team's home arena the Prudential Center.

    Believers point to the younger Hughes brothers' resemblance to Lucifer--Jack's boyish good looks and Luke's curly hair, of course--as evidence of Satan's tampering, as well as their inconsistent record as some kind of sacrifice. Captain Hischier's injury at such an important time in the season for the team has been theorized to be a punishment for violating a contract.

    "My son got to ride the Zamboni," a mother shared with me. "He told me there were pentagrams carved into the floor where they were parked." At least, I think that's what she said. I couldn't really understand her accent.

    "And they mix a little blood in the water for the ice. I saw it," her aforementioned son added. It's my understanding children are credible sources when it comes to the supernatural, they are more spiritually-inclined; whether they have any understanding of ice hockey rink surfacing or not remains to be seen.

    Some fans have reported seeing the coach's eyes glowing, hearing chants coming from the locker rooms during intermissions, and spotting a well-dressed and horned figure in the press box. Others spoke of an urban legend detailing the various Satanic symbols hidden under the paint layer of the rink.

    I asked a member of The Satanic Temple New Jersey their opinion. Is it all just hysteria, or is there any merit to it?

    "Oh, I wouldn't know about that. My dad's from Boston--I'm a Bruins guy."

-Romeo J.    

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