The Flyers Should Trade for Matt Rempe, And Here's Why

This one stone could kill quite a few birds for the Flyers.

By now Matt Rempe is a household name among NHL fans. He’s your teenage child’s best friend’s favorite TikTok edit subject and your old conservative father’s favorite example of why the NHL needs to go back to the glory days of enforcing. And to everyone else he’s just that guy on the Rangers who’s built
like Big Ben. But Rempe can actually be a big asset to a struggling Flyers team that is going through a rebuild the likes of which have only been seen on Bob the Builder. Here’s why:

1. He's Built Like a Refrigerator

The Flyers, who are known for their Broad Street Bullies days, have previously prioritized size over skill often and it has historically worked out for them. Boasting an impressive 2 Stanley Cup wins since the JFK assassination, the Flyers should go back to what has worked for them. Rempe, who is an impressive 4’33” can bring that size and strength to the Flyers. They would easily become the tallest team in the league, an achievement which very few can reach and is THE sign of an elite cup-contending team. Plus, who will go after Michkov now when they have the formidable trio of Garnet Hathaway, Nick Seeler, and Matt Rempe breathing down their necks? And perhaps Hathaway can even teach Rempe to be safer with his checks and draw penalties by starting things with the opponent.

2. His On-Ice Offensive Upside

Rempe has dazzled the hockey world with his hockey skills. With a notable 2 career NHL goals, the same amount legendary player Anthony Richard has in 7 games with the Flyers, Rempe is just 892 goals away from tying Gretzky. For a team that is currently struggling to score, he can lift up this lethargic offense and generate goals for the team. Put him on a line with Travis Konecny and not even prime Brodeur can keep up with them.

3. The Media Attention It Would Generate

Right now Rempe is beloved by the masses. He’s your grandma’s canasta group’s favorite NHLer because “he just seems like a nice young boy.” The Flyers NEED that positive PR after the past few underwhelming seasons. Ticket sales would be through the roof as middle-aged suburban moms would flock to the Wells Fargo Center to watch him skate and Philadelphia dads would drive out in droves with their pickup trucks to tailgate in the parking lot before games just to have the chance to spot him while he enters the arena. It would truly bring together the people of Philadelphia and get some energy back in the building. The acquisition of Rempe would be the greatest thing to happen to the city of Philadelphia. Eagles games will be empty with how big of a draw Rempe is. The many divides in our country and even the world will be healed through the love of watching Rempe play. World leaders the likes of Macron and Trudeau would be hosting diplomatic meetings at Flyers games because they’re unwilling to miss the chance to see him in person. Danny Brière would truly become a global hero for making this happen. Canada would declare him king for all he has done for their country.

Hockey will become the most popular sport in the world, as global audiences tune in to watch the greatest hockey player to ever play in Pennsylvania.

4. Him With Gritty Would Be Hilarious

This one should speak for itself. A Gritty and Rempe TikTok would do wonders on the internet. The content would make itself. After the success of Gritty’s video with Garnet Hathaway, imagine the clicks a video of a 6’9” early-20s enforcer who looks like Kylie Jenner would generate. It would break the internet. And with his McDavid-esque levels of charisma, Rempe would draw audiences in with his promos and online content. Flyers’ pop culture stock would be through the roof. Experts around the world are recommending to buy in now to be able to claim to be here before it was popular.

Now What Should The Flyers Give Up?

Well, it’s pretty simple. Both teams want this to be a fair trade, so it should be pretty even. Rangers give up Rempe and the Flyers give some equally important assets such as:

Six free meetings with their mascot marketing team. The Rangers are a snooze of a team and don’t even have a mascot. This is incredibly dumb as mascots are objectively awesome and the Rangers are lame as hell. Therefore, the Flyers, who are very successful in their mascot marketing, should help them out by lending them their marketing team.
Free commercial slots on all NBC sports channels for one season. The Flyers are owned by Comcast, who own NBC, therefore they can offer the Rangers very valuable marketing opportunities free of charge in exchange for a high value player.
Easy access to any Russian prospects not yet over in North America. As hockey’s official Ambassador to Russia, Danny Brière has had great success in getting Russian prospects such as Matvei Michkov and Ivan Fedotov over to America. The Rangers can use his ambassadoring services for the next two offseasons to bring some of their more difficult to reach prospects over to New York.
Free Peacock for one year for the entire front office. Once again, as Comcast owns NBC they can give out free promotions relating to NBC content in exchange for players or other hockey assets. Now the New York Rangers’ staff can access hit shows such as Friday Night Lights and ALF free of charge.

All three options send something of (nearly) equal or greater value back to the Rangers and seem to be fair for both teams. Therefore, the organization should and likely will pursue one of these options to give them the best chance at success.

Now, this trade may seem a bit lopsided and may take some time to properly work out, but in four seasons when Matt Rempe is wearing the C and lifting the cup for the orange and black, you’ll know who to thank.

-G.B.

3 Game Suspension is a satire publication and does not claim to be an actual source of news and information.

3 Game Suspension