Trump Has Something to do With This

 I fucking know he does.

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    Last night, the Flyers lost in a 1-6 game to the New York Rangers, Donald Trump's favorite hockey team, just days after his inauguration. The 78-year-old star of The Apprentice hails from Queens, New York and has somehow become president of the United States for a second time. It comes as no surprise that the Rangers are his preferred team.

    Since Donald took office on January 20th, the Flyers have only played two games. Despite taking the win in overtime during their game against the Detroit Red Wings on the 21st, their play quality dropped steeply since battling the lesser Hughes brothers' New Jersey Devils that Saturday (Final: 3-1). Even Coach John Tortorella had to admit they didn't deserve that one.

    This wouldn't be the first time Donald had his hands in Pennsylvania, as he most recently produced false republican ballots in the key swing state during the 2024 election.

    While the Flyers aren't the most consistent team in the world, the circumstances of this game are difficult to call "normal." Centers Ryan Poehling and Scott Laughton have been absent for multiple games. Poehling has been out with the World's Longest Concussion--perpetrated, by the way, by the other team in the state, the New York Islanders--while Laughton has taken leave due to unspecified family matters.

    Everyone knows this team has weak centers and it has only recently been improving. Before bringing up Anthony Richard and Rodrigo "How You Like Them" Ābols from the Lehigh Valley Phantoms, their only other options for centering players included Morgan Frost and known beta male Sean Couturier. In Frost's case, while it is surprising a deer who turned into a man can have the amount of career success he has seen so far, it's clear his 'freeze' instincts are still intact and he is, at times, scared of the puck.

    If this was somehow a coordinated attack by Trump--and there's no way it isn't--the only word to describe targeting an already hurting team is "cowardly," and it's extremely telling of his character that he is willing to. I'm sure even his supporters can admit this is just a step too far.

-Romeo J.     

 3 Game Suspension is a satire publication and does not claim to be an actual source of news and information.