BREAKING: Tony DeAngelo’s Return to NHL Postponed Due to COVID-19 Infection

Will the blueliner flatline?

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    As part of Donald Trump's scheme to meddle with the National Hockey League, the New York Islanders have, for some reason, signed Tony DeAngelo for the remainder of the 2024-2025 season.

    The 29-year-old defenseman is most known for his style of offensive defense and his use of offensive slurs. Throughout his career, most of his points have come from assists, which is reported like an interesting statistic despite being the expectation for defensemen. His NHL career is almost impressive, but his averages are greatly reduced by his many unfinished seasons, as nearly every team he's played with has, at some point, begged him to stop playing. DeAngelo had to flee to Russia--the meanest country on Earth--where he was still viciously hated by teammates and coaching staff alike.

    DeAngelo's undiagnosed personality disorder has garnered him a reputation of not only "locker room cancer," but "right-wing chud" as well. In 2021, DeAngelo infamously left Twitter after his special boy Donald Trump was banned, and joined Parlor to follow him. Since Donald's Twitter account has been reinstated, DeAngelo has also come back to the platform, in a move one can only describe as "stalkerish." Many suspect DeAngelo was at the Capitol on January 6th, presumably hoping Donald would kiss him, or perhaps more, and he would replace Alexander Ovechkin as Donald's favorite hockey player. This, however, is merely speculation.

    This would be DeAngelo's first ever season with the Islanders, as no team that has had him before would ever take him back. Unfortunately, his return to the greatest league in the world has been delayed due to a freak COVID-19 infection. Although he was forcibly vaccinated by the Biden Administration's communist goons, the Islanders confirmed just hours after the announcement of his contract that DeAngelo is a sick little boy. Doctors have prescribed chicken soup and lots of rest. He has also been admitted to intensive care and put on a ventilator.

    New York Islanders president and general manager Lou Lamoriello stated, "I'm honestly already starting to regret it. I thought it would take longer than this."

    DeAngelo tried to comment, but he couldn't stop coughing so I left.

-Romeo J.    

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